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Outgoing FaceTime to my contact, "Mr. Walker" "Hey! I've never asked you, but how are you feeling with a new one on the way and all? Excited?" I asked."Yeah, I'm very excited. We're not doing a lot to celebrate, not having a baby shower or anything because you know ... this isn't a celebrating moment like what we shared, but I'm ready to have her here. You know how I am about my girls." He beamed with pride through the phone. "I see, well I want to share something with you. I know the doctors have already given you a due date to look forward to, however, that won't be the date." At that point, he pulls into the nearest gas station. "What do you mean that's not the date? The expected date is late March. So when is the date then?" He asked out of curiosity. "If I told you right now, you wouldn't believe me, so I'll let it surprise you," I said ending the call.
Fast Forward to March 17th, 2021 a stop by the house to drop off Evelyn,
"Congratulations on becoming a Dad all over again and Happy 5th Wedding Anniversary. March 12th, that's the day Evelyn became a big sister, and the day we became man and wife five years ago." I still remember the stare-down we gave one another."Yeah, you did say it, didn't you?" breaking the silence"that the birthdate would change. What a coincidence it all happened on our 5th wedding anniversary." "Nope, no coincidence. All Jesus," I replied smiling. "He has great plans for you."
Last year, 2021 God restored my life in some of the most awesome ways. From a vehicle to my job, health, family, and so much more. However, today I'll be writing about how God restored the relationship between my estranged husband and me, after being separated for two years. Restoration is not that big thing that happens openly. I like to encourage women that's believing God to restore their marriage and families to never look at their broken state and think that it's final. That's that - the end. In my case, for two years, my marriage was shattered, broken. Living in separate homes, talking only via email, only about the children, bills, etc. Nothing more, nothing less. Not touching, at odds. Then 2021 came about and God had different plans. He had plans to restore my husband and me, in some of the most subtle yet beautiful ways. Our communication got restored. We moved from communicating via email, to texting, talking, and facetiming. We hadn't laughed in two years, our sense of humor was restored last year. We had those much-needed hearts to hearts with one another. Talked about the hurt, what caused it, realizing that we're not each other enemy. And yes, God restored our intimacy, hugging, touching, caressing, etc.. After two years of nothing, let's just say God had His perfect way all 2021.
This Journey of Restoration will conclude twelve posts, each month bought about a breakthrough between us, and we will start with January of last year. Writing this today, it still feels so surreal of what all happened, but I'm excited to finally boast about it all and give God Glory.
[January 17, 2021] Email comes through "Call me ASAP. We need to discuss taxes and other things. Thanks" I stepped out of my classroom and made the call, which was the beginning of so much more to come later that year.
"Pam, it's the New Year and I want to do better. I'm wrong and I've done so much. You've had your problems, but I also have mine. When it comes to Evelyn I want to do better. I want to do more in supporting you with her. I FaceTime Zaniya almost every day and I barely talk to Evelyn, she lives in the same city and state as me. Please unblock my contact so I can talk to my daughter more often. I have this feeling of guilt all the time. We're still married, I have a mistress, she's pregnant, we live together and I've put it all out there for the world to see. I feel so bad. At times I lay in bed at night and I wonder what you're doing, who you're with and are you ok. Sometimes I just drive by the house just to make sure you're ok. You haven't fought me on anything, you haven't kept my daughter away from me, it's been me staying away from her and I want to change that. And it's your call about what you'd like to do about us and the house. You have such a good heart, Pam. You're an amazing woman and you didn't deserve all of what happened to you and what I did. I wish I could change how things were publicized and how I went about doing everything. I just feel so bad. Even with the things I post on social media, I feel bad about it. I can't keep living like this. This feeling of guilt is so much. I know I'm talking a lot, I guess I'm just venting and all, but thanks for listening. I just had to exhale and get that off of my chest going into this New Year. I really want to do better."
So many emotions and thoughts flooded my heart as I sat in the breakroom of my job listening to my husband pour out his heart. I did my best to encourage him that day, "Trust me, God has it all in control. The guilt that has gripped your spirit and refuses to let you go is the voice of God Kris, convicting you, calling you back to Him." He sounded so regretful and I hated it for him. If I could speak to his heart today, I would tell him ...
Kris, I didn't choose you, nor did I call you, but God did. From the beginning of your existence to those rebellious teenage years, during adulthood, to now, you've been called by God, not me. Nobody made you commit adultery. Seduced? Yeah. Still, you're your own man. YOU chose to have an affair, abandon your family and flaunt your matters of adultery publicly as you have done. YOU chose to lie to many that we're divorced, when in fact, we're not. All 2020 while we were separated, did I not encourage you to seek help? To seek God as I was doing? Did I not wipe the tears from your eyes and give you my shoulder to cry on when you came to confide in me that you'd been unfaithful to the point of conceiving a child? When you would find your way over late nights and want to talk about our marriage, lay as man and wife, chasing me around the house, did I not encourage you to give our marriage to God and let Him have His way with it? That it wasn’t time to back as one? The world saw you living your best life all 2020, I didn't. I saw a broken-hurting man dealing with the pain that I had caused him. The world had caused him. I saw a man with no peace because he was out of place, out of the will of God. I know it seems as if I shut you out all 2020, but the truth of the matter was, I was at a low place myself and I couldn't help you any. I needed love and healing at that time and that's what I chose. You would come by stressed and heavy chested and I would pray for you and encourage you to be of good cheer. I was unbothered by the choice of lifestyle you were living at the time. God had a plan and I was crazy enough to take Him at His word that He had you, exactly where He wanted you, in the palms of His hand.
However, did I not make it up to you in 2021? All year long in my own way? From January when you called and wanted to speak your heart, I was then willing to hear you. Did I not kiss your wounds all 2021? I still remember our first-time last year, it was sweeter than our first time in 2014, ending my 20 months of celibacy. I still remember that phone call afterward, your voice shaking, barely able to speak your feelings. It was all rushing back to you at once. You didn't understand what was happening and neither did I fully, but it was indeed happening - restoration. It was my touch, the touch of your wife that caused those old wounds to resurface, so Jesus could move in and do what He does best, heal. And did He not heal you? The newfound joy you spoke of, telling me of how good you felt on the inside again. "Pam, I feel like my old self again. I feel good on the inside." I thanked God that day for touching and restoring you. Every encounter we shared last year was a new beginning for both of us.
February was the first time you embraced me again, after two years of not even touching one another, you wanted a hug, you wanted to be held by me. March, the FaceTime you graced me with to get a first "look." April, May, June. I still remember that evening in July when you braced yourself for my response. You wanted to know if throughout our separation had any other man had the honor to know me privately, intimately. The look of relief on your face when I proudly told you "No." However, I like to think I did more than just tell you, I wanted to show you instead. My favorite month of them all was August when God led me off of my job to embark on my journey of ministry. We took well advantage of me being home all the time, with nothing but time and opportunity. And then there's October when curiosity began to kill the cat. That woman's intuition is never wrong, it’s always right *wink*. After my home invasion, you came over and reinstalled lights and fixed the broken windows, only for us to end up where we left off in September. My birthday, December, was extra special, for more reasons than one. Oh, we took it there all 2021. You poured out, refused to hold back all 2021. Not knowing what was happening, but it was happening. Not understanding why you randomly would call to talk, but we talked. You would speak your heart, tell me how proud you were of me for not losing my dignity as a woman after we separated. We had those tough conversations about whether I was still in love with you or not. "My heart is whole and solid and it belongs solely to Jesus. You want a share of it, you will have to work for it all over again." We laughed, reminisced, apologized. Say, looking back, God was definitely at work and who would’ve known it?
The point of it all?
Oh, how I wish you would've gone back to God years ago Kris. Because you didn't come back to Him in private, He's bringing you to an open shame, for your own good. He chastens those that He loves. Your near-death car accident was judgment, God beckoning and pleading with you to return to Him. The incidents afterward your accident, it was all God, pleading with you still. I've tried encouraging you to move past your guilt, conviction, lack of peace, and return back, but you never did. I tried encouraging with the visions of judgment that the Spirit of The Lord would give me, warning you. Warning you that the seed you'd sown would not go unrewarded. I tried encouraging you that "this" was never about us. We were two young fools in love that made a mess of our marriage and family, that God in his goodness chose to have mercy on. He decided to use us for His Glory and I've only allowed Him to do just that - to have His way. YOU know what's here now. You know what's at hand and that's that at stake. You knew the capability of me. You know that I'm a wholehearted woman. I love wholeheartedly, I give wholeheartedly, I serve wholeheartedly, and when I'm called to battle, I fight wholeheartedly. I would have never in a thousand years, had chosen such a call for you and me and our family. And Many look upon me as this crazy, foolish woman that lost, when, in actuality, it's quite the contrary. I was nothing but a rejected woman, severely damaged that went to Jesus with my bleeding heart in hand, seeking help, giving Him a grand opportunity to let His glory, power be revealed through my life, family, and marriage. See, I knew Jesus could turn my injustice to justice, my ashes to beauty, my shame to honor. 2020 forward I've tuned my ear to the voice of God, I've hearkened and moved only to His leading and guidance.
My past pain, can't even be compared to this present joy and the Glory of God that's on the horizon. It can't compare to the hope I will give mothers and wives that are facing separation from their families. The restoration that will come to broken homes and marriages can't be compared to my past suffering. I see nothing but the harvest of souls that will come into the Kingdom of God because of my faith and obedience. God has graced me to see the stage I will walk on as I encourage women to take a stand against the enemy when he comes in like a flood to destroy their family and marriage.
The visions that God has given me over the years to help encourage my heart to keep the faith during my hard times have been breathtaking. I've been graced to see us restored as man and wife, side by side, in ministry preaching the Gospel. I've seen our son, Silas - the one you constantly ask me about. "What about our son that God promised us?" I've seen it all, even the moment God brings you to a place of repentance. To that place of godly sorrow before Him. And my favorite vision of them all? The one that God keeps giving me over and over, the one that melts my heart every time I see it ... is the moment you apologize and ask for my forgiveness. My heart drops every time God allows me to hear you speak those words to me "Pam .... baby I'm sorry. I was wrong. I knew all along I was wrong but I kept at it. Please forgive me." It's not as much as the words that melt my heart, but the genuine sincerity, that I hear in your voice. In all the years of you and I, I've never heard you so humbled. Soon you will have a Prodigal Son moment. You will come to yourself by the grace of God. (I smile as I type this) The scales of deception will fall from your eyes. For I've seen it for myself, in fact it has already begun. And yes, this is the beginning of the end.
There you all have it, the beginning of restoration. It's happening. It has been happening, behind closed doors in some of the most intimate moments, after two years of separation, while still separated, God did the impossible, restored our heart and affection for one another. And no, it will not stop happening, the plans and will of God that is. Who can stop it? Who can stop God, The Almighty? Who can put asunder what God has joined together? Who can deter or discourage me? Many have tried, to no prevail. Many played their roles to the very best of their ability. Many hoped, preyed, still to no prevail. I will end with saying, the best is yet to come, something glorious, something that has never been seen before is unraveling. Shall you not know it?
If you know of a woman, sister, friend, that's facing a challenge in their family and marriage, I encourage you to share this blog post with them. Encourage them that God can do anything. Next Restoration Journal, "Valentines Day 2021 + The Embrace."
Couple of Things
Need Prayer for Encouragement with your zeal for Jesus? Need to feed your Faith? Need a restirring? Join me live tonight via FaceBook and Instagram (Yes I'm going live on the gram as well) at 8PM CTZ as I pray for rejuvenation for God's people using The Word of God. Any special prayer requests, you can send them to hello@pameliawalker.com
I'll be giving a soft introduction to my upcoming ministry, "All The Wise Wives" tonight via Live as well. I can't express enough how stoked I am about this one. It's finally happening, birthing pains were well worth it.
Jesus Is Just That Good,
Pamelia Walker
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